I can’t stop going back to the night before Doom’s Day. We were with Special-K we had about 20 minutes left of our session. It was so comfortable sitting in a small, warm, safe place but most of all we had hope. I want to hold on to that night so bad but every day that goes by feels as if I am slipping into a place where the hope drifts further away from me. I asked her, “What happens if we get the worst prognosis tomorrow?” (which we did) and she said, “You can’t really plan or prepare for that however you and Husband are going to experience the worst pain you have probably felt in your life. You won’t know until you are there” I am here now.
I have entered a whole new dimension. It’s very Interstellar-esque sans Mathew Mcconaughey’s perfect hair. I feel like every time i revisit the situation I feel, remember or learn something new as if watching the movie again and again. Desperately searching for hidden meanings. However this is not a movie but my reality and I am not a big science person, ironically space scares me. I now feel like I am living a lone here in space. Last week was about crawling out of the weekend to figure out how to live again in my skin. Doing my everyday day to day activities seem foreign to me. I feel awkward. I have so many thoughts these days the only image I have of last week is of myself crawling to work, barely moving. The weekend was nice because I was able to be still in my thoughts and feelings. I can now at least start to feel like I remember what it feels like to be me. I had lived a full week of knowing that we only had a 20% chance of conceiving.
However, last night is when it happened. I was catapulted further back into my dimension of darkness as if the black hole had sucked me in and shot me into a whole different dimension further out. I told myself and anyone who mentioned that I could never feel envious of others having babies. I was recommended to allow space for these feelings of envy, anger, sadness. I didn’t feel like I needed to allow that because up until last night I had had friends or relatives come out pregnant and feel nothing but joy and excitement for them. I mean who doesn’t love belly’s and babies!?
One of the people I love most in this world has received the most wonderful news of expecting a baby. I don’t think I was grieving the fact that they are pregnant rather the fact that we are in a different place now. Darkness, numbness, a place of nothing comes easy, a place of lots of unknowns. A place where even happiness hurts.