29

It has taken me a few days to process thanksgiving and my birthday…it all seemed to come and very numbing-ly go. What can I say about 29. Well for starters it brought a rash but even more painful than rash it brought up very hard questions. I never thought that 29 will forever be equated to infertility. Isn’t it supposed to be just like when I turned 27, I had just completed a marathon. Or 28 brought the best year of my career as of yet. 29 – the year of hard questions. How do we make sense of life? Life. Do you really feel like you are living until you go through something really hard then life becomes very real, raw and honest. How do I face life when my own expectations haven’t been met? Whether it’s because of my own self or because of outer situations that we don’t have control over. This year of 29, I felt my younger self die just enough for it to hurt but not enough for it to destroy me. I tried to go back to a time when I was 9…was I scared or even think about being 10? 19 was full of bad decisions…29 is just full of sadness. Did I mention the rash? I am back in a place of hectic-ness and chaos. I am an addict to being busy so busy I can’t function if I am over booked. Since dealing with infertility it has literally stopped me dead in my unassuming tracts of life. My life doesn’t seem like mine anymore. My awesome life that I have fought for. I have made good decisions and bad I have grown into the woman that I am because of my failures, successes, fears, triumphs achievements disappointments. 28 I was standing tall on my own two feet. D-boy and I have had our own failures and successes together. By 29 I was supposed to be a Mommy. Motherhood was supposed to be my 29 so I could just slide into 30 with cliche’s like I wouldn’t change turning 30 because I have the best 1 year old. I would be so prime for 30. Have a one year old, be in shape have an incredible husband who gets a promotion every other day it seems. The bright side, I do have D-boy to spend 29 with. I wouldn’t change that for the world. So today I will take being 29 and infertility.

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