January

It’s a new year. Usually, I am all about starting new and fresh. I love what a new year represents. I usually have a long list of new year resolutions that range from working out 4 times a week to cooking more. This year I don’t have any resolutions because the word alone doesn’t seem to fit where I am in life. Let’s start by the simple definition of resolution:

res·o·lu·tion

ˌrezəˈlo͞oSH(ə)n/

noun

1.a firm decision to do or not to do something.

2.the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter.

We have a made a firm decision to start a family and because of physiological issues we can’t. We can focus on trying but there is no guarantee we will resolve our problem or contentious matter. I feel as though I am sounding bitter however I feel there isn’t much more to this other than right now in our journey, we are just here. I don’t know how to resolve. I know we have a somewhat plan of action that involves IVF but that doesn’t guarantee a resolution. Our new year is full of unknowns. I find that I read other people’s blogs and they are so positive and full of life. So full of desire to make this beautiful new little life and all I can do is feel numb. Like an outsider who doesn’t belong to the “pregnant kids club” or to the “TTC Community”. Life is still. January is still. Am I failing as an infertile who isn’t ready to “proclaim that God is going to give me my baby”. I can only proclaim I am here. I know D is also here because I can feel him and I know my God is here because I can feel him as well in my day to day experiences. I guess I have a resolution of being patient. I do believe our God is a faithful one. I can proclaim He is going to show me what is right for my life but for now all He is asking of me is to be patient. So I will be just that for this year.