We recently found out that after approximately 11 months of trying to conceive a baby unsuccessfully, we will not be able to have our little baby naturally. It all began when I changed to a new OBGYN. The change came because I figured when I found out that I was pregnant I wanted to have my Dr. close by. We started running some preliminary exams and when my exams came back clear as a formality we ran some tests on my husband which did not come back so positive. That day is when the real journey began.  I have to stay positive and tell myself it’s a journey; that this sad and lonely road is not the reality it feels like, a dark rabbit hole that we are being led down.

It was October 1st our 3 year wedding anniversary. I was sitting in my office dressed a bit nicer than usual. I wanted to look extra-pretty for dinner.  The bouquet of roses that the husband had sent were gorgeous. I wouldn’t say I was necessarily waiting to hear back from the lab for his results but it definitely was on my mind.  I was typing up an email when sure enough I looked down and noticed my phone had an incoming call. Picked up and when I heard, ” Mrs. Schurman, this is the nurse from the Dr.’s office. Do you have a minute?” My heart sank. Why would I need a minute?? All I needed to hear was, “Hi Mrs. Schurman just wanted to let you know all was good! Just stay relaxed…drink a glass of wine, take a vacation, don’t stress your timing is off.” The same words I had either told myself or had been told for the last 10 months. I immediately conference-d the Husband in. Walked outside. And then heard the words that would start the beginning of our world changing for the rest of our lives.

“We were unable to process the exam because we had nothing to examine.” Just like that. What do you mean? There were zero…ZERO!? Zero.  What!? There had to be a mistake. Honey, meet me at home.” This beautiful, plush rug that was life, my hopes of having a beautiful healthy little baby, expanding our little family, giving a baby cousin and grandchild to my family, were pulled right underneath my feet. That night my Husband and I toasted to some very expensive champagne not knowing what the next couple of months would bring us but to the simple fact that we knew at this moment we had each other.

From this time to now, I wish I could say that we have had high’s and low’s however it seems like there are much lower lows. Our high’s are feeling how much our family and friends love us. Watching my Husband grow emotionally, seeing myself do things I never ever even fathomed and being proud at the fact that I was strong and can carry my husband when he can’t stand.

Our latest low was on Friday. Scariest thought is I don’t think we are even close to rock bottom. Every Doctor appointment seems to bring harder and more dim news. After all was said and done this Friday it was confirmed that my Husband has non-abstructive azoospermia. (NOA)

We have three weeks until we find out how his genetic testing results come back. If they come back fine then we have the green light to move forward with In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). However, it’s not that easy. Of course it isn’t. The risk we run is that we start the very expensive process of IVF, my Husband goes under, we are mid IVF and they don’t find any healthy sperm…or they find 4 or 5! PLEASE GOD! Our prayer is that the genetic testing comes back ok and that when we do IVF there are sperm…however, if genetic testing does not come back fine then we will go from there.

Whatever the case is I have faith because I believe in a God who is greater and more powerful than all of this. I have good days and bad days. I hurt but know that we will come out on the other side. I don’t know what the other side looks like but I just have to focus on getting there.